After
the death of my wife, I lived in empty spaces. I had been disconnected
from my old life and from the person I loved most. I called it grief,
which it was.
But it was something more.
All
of us have those times when we can't go back to the old and we can't
get a secure hold on the new. The tendency is to fill the time with
activities and busy-ness. Anything to divert us from living with
nothingness.
In
the past that was my pattern, and it worked. Eventually I pushed away
the artificial changes so I could flow into the new direction of my
life.
After
Shirley died, I walked through vacant spots and experienced lonely
hours. I tried different forms of writing and widened my social
connections. But I was aware of the emptiness and this time I determined
not to run from it.
Beyond
the tears (and there were many in private), I focused on seeing life
differently. I stood at a place I hadn't been before, and each day I
decided not to focus on beautiful memories of our relationship. Instead,
I chose the path of intentional loneliness.
When
I felt alone and like an alien to myself, I took long, solitary walks.
The emptiness passed, and I now see those months as a special time. I
learned things about myself—insights I wouldn't have grasped any other
way. My life is richer and fuller for having done that.
I need the emptiness in life
to accept the fullness of life.
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Cecil Muphey is a writer, speaker, teacher and survivor.
This article is taken from Cec's October newsletter.
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