MOM'S SURVIVAL TIPS

To my kids who have left home and are on their own, I pass on a list of life lessons:

1. Don't sweat your every mistake or faux pas. They make up for the things you got away with that nobody knows about.

2. Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you're taking a shower.

3. When someone tells you that what he's about to say is "for your own good," expect the worst.

4. The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to be idiotic.

5. If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't swallow it whole.

6. When a politician says, "Let me make something perfectly clear," remember that he usually won't.

7. Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic and basement forever.

8. If someone says, "I know what I mean, but I just can't put it into words," he doesn't know what he means.

9. Two people cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.

10. Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can't pat yourself on the back, and it's unsatisfying to cry on your own shoulder. Find a real friend instead!