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| Credit: manrepeller.com |
It is not only tempting to complain about
circumstances; it is also tempting to talk about people. And this can be even
more harmful. Did you ever witness mean girl drama as a teenager? I certainly
did. In fact, one high school memory is still vividly etched in my mind even
after all these years.
The routine was the same every day. Each
morning I would see Jacinta in the hallway, and she would stop, smile, and hug
me. “You look sooo pretty today!” she always said, as though on cue, with the same voice inflection and sing-songy cadence to her words. We would exchange
pleasantries, and they were always oozing with compliments and kind words.
Before we would depart to our homerooms, she would hug me again, squeeze my hand, and walk away. I craved her validation,
but deep inside I knew that the exchanges were forced and fake.
Every few nights she would call me and tell me
how wonderful I was and how glad she was to be my friend. On one such evening,
her phone clicked while we were chatting. Someone was calling her. “Hold on,
Kim. Someone is calling. Let me tell them I will call them back.”
I heard a click, and then Jacinta’s voice
again. “Oh, my God! Guess who I am talking to? It is Kim. She drives me sooo
crazy. She is always calling me and following me around. I am sooo tired of her
copying me.”
I felt like I had been punched in the gut.
Tears immediately filled my eyes. I was frozen, unable to speak.
“Hello? Are you there? Let me call you back
after I get rid of her.”
“Hey,” I finally said.
Silence. Then the line went dead. I can only
assume she panicked and hung up after she realized that she had said everything
to me instead of someone else.
Ring … ring … She
tried to call again, but I turned off my ringer and cried myself to sleep. I
was a junior in high school the night that happened, and I still remember how
Jacinta made me feel small, insignificant, and manipulated. Since then, I have
met many manipulators like Jacinta, and I am sure that you have, too. Now that
I am wiser, I do not tolerate manipulation. My students will tell you that the
one way to see my wrath is to be mean to someone else. I simply cannot and will
not allow it.
But there are adults who are like Jacinta,
too. Adults who manipulate, gossip, bully, and hurt those around them. Some
adults never progress beyond that teenage mindset. And for some reason, we
still crave their validation, just like I wanted Jacinta to be my friend even
though I knew deep inside that she was not a good person.
I am not proud to admit it, but I, too, have
given in to the temptation of gossiping in the past. But as I have grown wiser,
I have realized that there is never a good time and place for it, and now I
strive to avoid it at all costs. Why take pleasure in someone else’s pain? Why use
words to tear down instead of to build up? Also, be wary of those who gossip in
your presence. After all, if your coworkers gossip to you, they also gossip about you when you aren’t around. Don’t get caught in that
kind of a web.
If your coworkers gossip to you, they also
gossip about you when you aren’t around.
Many years ago, I had a class of girls who
were especially drawn to middle school drama. I loved these little girls
fiercely, but I knew that I had to squash their constant whispering and
gossiping; it was unhealthy and hurtful. I decided to find a way to rearrange
the schedule so that I could meet alone with them.
I spoke to the girls about the power of their
words and shared how people who talk about others usually do so because either
they are insecure or jealous. The girls opened up and admitted that they had
been unkind, even cruel to one another because of petty jealousies. There were
many tears as they apologized to one another. But I wanted this conversation to
be one they wouldn’t soon forget, so I came prepared with a way to illustrate
my point.
I placed a clear plastic cup containing light
vegetable oil at each girl’s desk. I asked the girls to describe the qualities
of the oil.
It is smooth.
Watch how it
flows!
Mine is really
clear.
It is helpful and
makes things run better.
Next, I pulled out some red vinegar. I told
the girls how their unkind words are like that vinegar, sour and acidic. As I
spoke, I shook a few dots of it into their cups of oil. Then, I told them to
gently shake their cups one time. The red dots multiplied. I said that every
time they gossiped, it was like shaking that cup; their unkindness was
multiplied exponentially. I told them to shake the cups again, and they gasped
as one or two red dots quickly turned into dozens of them.
“What can we learn from this?” I asked.
“Don’t be vinegar!” said Shaylene.
“Exactly!” I replied.
And that was all that was needed. The girls
kept each other in check for the rest of the year. Whenever a girl started to
gossip, one of her classmates would inevitably say, “Don’t be vinegar!” and
that was that.
Adults can be just as guilty of that same type
of gossip, and the effects can be just as detrimental and hurtful. What do you
do if someone is speaking unkindly behind your back? Even so-called friends
like Jacinta can turn on us with their words. If that happens to you, first try
to find out the source of that person’s complaint against you. Use the six
principles to have a meaningful conversation with him or her. But if the person
doesn’t stop with the gossip, separate yourself. Who needs friends like that?
(From Talk to Me: Find the Right Words to Inspire, Encourage, and Get Things
Done
by Kim Bearden,
published July 16th 2018 by Dave Burgess Consulting, Incorporated. Used by
permission)
